Thursday, 26 September 2013

PCDBL - New team colours!

PCDBL Headquarters have just been issued with a new team photo for Zhambel Horsemen.  This Trontek style team had a very close first round match against the saucy ladies of Super Nashwan and now, in association with Brushmonkey Industries, they've just launched their new team strip!

Angry power armoured men ...

... and saucy minxes in tight body suits. 
The Horsemans' next match is against Rico's Roaches; how is that going to pan out?  Who can tell; but it is going to look very pretty!

I've been informed by Brushmonkey Industries that they will take commission work if you like what you see.  Contact can be made through this blog; just let me have your details and I'll pass them on for you!

ParthianShot out.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

PCDBL Round Two Commences!

All sitting comfortably?  Then lets begin!

MVP Auction

With the matches arranged and underdog bonuses (bonusi?) burning a hole in their collective pockets the PCDBL coaches gathered for the MVP auction.  It was a tense affair with the tension enhanced once the top flight coaches realised their opponents might have the cash to bid for team maulers like Buzzcut (more on that later!).  Bidding was slow initially but soon picked up!  Rob (Zhambel Horsemen) and Coops (Crimson Corpse Creators) both targetted Wildcard and Slippery Joe respectively; and both bids went unchallenged!  Ross Koch McLovin had to go all the way to 12 MC to secure The Enforcer for the Lady Destroying Behemoths but since he was squaring up to a Forgefather team the extra muscle would undoubtedly be useful.Titanium Terrors coach, Stuart quickly realised that his enormous underdog bonus gave him an unchallengeable position in terms of bidding and he used it to great effect securing both Firewall and Buzzcut for his round two match.  The Vaticlan coach, Austin could only watch in horror as he contemplated the nature and scope of the violation that was about to be visited upon his team.  Finally Phil secured the services of John Doe for De Profundis.  Having also purchased a second Zz'or guard Phil was certainly planning to put the hurt on Brutal Deluxe from the very start!

Here's the contract table after the auction (note we've only made available MVPs we have models for!):

Available MVP List
NameBase Cost (MC)Current Cost (MC)Contracted to
Number 8888-
The Enforcer1012Lady Destroying Behemoths
John Doe88De Profundis
Payback99-
Lucky Logan88-
Slippery Joe77Crimson Corpse Creators
Gorim Ironstone88-
Buzzcut1112Titanium Terrors
Firewall1112Titanium Terrors
Wildcard99Zhambel Horsemen
Meek'al Judwan1212-

Let's go over now to Elwood and Kurt at PCDBL headquarters to see how the first round two games played out!

Elwood T. Bone
Thank you once again Mr Shot!  Some fascinating MVP contracts there Kurt I think you'll agree.  Way above what I'd pay for extra services ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I've heard all the profit in the Sphere couldn't purchase the acts of diseased depravity you demand.  That aside I was particularly impressed by the Titanium Terrors picks.  Quite clearly they were opting for all out, full frontal, I'm-gonna-kill-every-last-cocktail-sipping-Judwan-fondler-you-put-on-the-pitch approach to the game.  An approach that I heartily approve of!

Elwood T. Bone
You also approve of compulsory lifetime military service and the declaration of war on whales.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Absolutely; the big fishes AND the country!

Elwood T. Bone
Thanks for clearing that up; so lets take a look at the highlights from the first round two matches.

Lady Destroying Behemoths v Helheim Serpents


Elwood T. Bone
With the presence of The Enforcer on the pitch arrayed against a team of angry midgets this was always going to be a violent clash.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Both teams played an excellent defensive game, shutting down the opposition through the medium of murderdeathkillkillKILL!  I was very impressed by the rising star, Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton in this game.  In a move of tactical brilliance he targetted Serpent's Striker, Kari Jensen and took him out with a elbow drop to the cranium!  I didn't think it was possible for Forgefather to get any shorter.

Elwood T. Bone
The ball was a secondary concern in the early rushes that's for certain; the first couple of rushes barely saw an attempt to collect it.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Olaf Trygvasson, the Serpents #8 Guard stepped up the pressure sending two Lady Destroying Behemoth players out for surgery in quick succession only for the Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton to wade in once more and execute nacent star guard, Gunnar Bjarnissen by slam dunking him beard first into the pitch. SCORE!!!!  I'm the first to admit that taking a forgefather guard out permanently is no mean feat.  Makes me kind of emotional ...

Elwood T. Bone
With the violence getting out of control and even the Enforcer going off with a serious injury it took the quick wits and silky ball skills of Serpents #2 Striker Hrafn Anderssen to collect the ball and sneak it home for two point strike.  Victory for the Serpents!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I guess there always has to be a loser; just look at you Elwood, you plague-riddled, morally bankrupt foetid pool of DNA fragments.  It's a shame there had to be one for this game though with both teams really embracing the spirit of Dreadball.  I think as far as the fans are concerned we were all winners here tonight.

FINAL SCORE: Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 2 Helheim Serpents


De Profundis v Brutal Deluxe


Elwood T. Bone
Another game with violence at the forefront of the game plan from the outset.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
In a move af tactical brilliance De Profundis had not only sold their striker corpse for cash but invested it wisely in a second guard.  Furthermore they spent their underdog bonus on John Doe to beef up their defensive line.  No striker is getting through there!

Elwood T. Bone
Well you'd think so, Kurt.  It started off badly with Brutal Deluxe fumbling a ball pick up right in front of two very angry Zz'or guards catalysing the mother of all mongolian clusterfucks right in the middle of the board.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Four rushes worth of grunting and punching followed; De Profundis #1 Guard "Wordsworth" dispatched a Brutal Deluxe jack for three rushes and put their star guard Dutch Van Haegan on his arse too. 

Elwood T. Bone
It couldn't last foerever though and when the ball finally popped out of the maul Brutal Deluxe #11 Striker Thelonius Caine scooped it up and slammed home a glorious four point strike.  The Deluxe fans went wild!  Especially the excitable lady in row 43.  Mmmmm ... jiggly.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
De Profundis were quick to respond though and left Brutal Deluxe cursing their defensive error of leaving ANY strikers alive when De Profundis #11 "Keats" swept up a loose ball and oozed his way into the strike zone to score two points.  They clean the ball after its been handled by Zz'or right?  I mean they're basically giant cockroaches ... euw.

Elwood T. Bone
With Brutal Deluxe 2-0 up they decided to play the long game and shut De Profundis out of the match.  Brutal Deluxe #10 Striker Brett Dodgerson collected the ball from the launch and sprinted away into the Zz'or end zone.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Not far enough though as De Profundis chased him down even committing a sneak foul to bring on an extra player to take him out.  The foul got their #2 guard sent off but uber-jack #3 "Byron" was there to deliver a brutal swipe impaling the unfortunate striker on his stinger.

Elwood T. Bone
I'm looking on Wikipedia Kurt and that's NOT a stinger he used; its his ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Kids watch this; its a stinger.

Elwood T. Bone
Stinger or not De Profundis made a last ditch play to secure a two point score and level the match but Brutal Deluxe had one more ace up their sleeve.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
They certainly did and with the last De Profundis striker #11 "Keats" pinned againts the wall Dutch Van Haegan ran in and slammed him into cockroach tapenade.  Last time I saw a mess like that was when I drove through a swarm of locusts in a juggernaut.  Crunchy!

Elwood T. Bone
With no strikers on the pitch De Profundis were out of actions and out of time and couldn't get the ball into a striking position.  As the klaxxon for full time went Brutal Deluxe celebrated a hard won victory and De Profundis had to chow down on shit-sandwich.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Isn't that what they eat normally?

FINAL SCORE: De Profundis 0 - 2 Brutal Deluxe


LCBW v The Disrespecters

Elwood T. Bone
I tell you straight sports fans, I had to watch this game twice in slo-motion just to make sure I could follow it!  Veer-myn vs Judwan makes for a fast game and this one was quicker than a hormone filled teen hiding in the cheerleader's changing room.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I was confused Elwood.  Players kept picking up the ball!  I did think they were trying to cause injuries other by firing the ball at each other.  Then I realised they wer PASSING it to one another!  What kind of deviant, alien, inter-species, unclean, rancid sack of gonad fondling was this match?

Elwood T. Bone
Not entirely sure what you're talking about Kurt but what I can tell you is that LCBW were dominant in this game.  Exploiting gaps in the Disrepecter's defence LCBW ducked, dodged, dipped, dived and ...  dodged their way through to the strike zones. LCBW #3, Kee-Lix the Compliant was the first on the scoreboard with a three point strike followed shortly after by #5 Faar-Lan the Whisper with another.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Noxious piss-sticks both of them!  I want to hurt them so much!

Elwood T. Bone
After failing to win by a landslide in their last match, LCBW were not about to let the opportunity slip through their overly long and dextrous fingers this time.  LCBW #2 Yuen the Inappropriate did the honours with an insouciant single pointer to clinch the match 7-0!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I felt violated watching that Elwood.  Moreso than the time when you swapped your "home movie" for my footage of the Galen III invasion. 

Elwood T. Bone
It was an innocent accident; also I had no idea she was your personal cook.  I say quite clearly in the footage that she should wash her hands.

FINAL SCORE: LCBW 7 - 0 The Disrespecters


Titanium Terrors v The Vaticlan

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Now this was a game more to my liking!  It takes a coach of taste and distinction to appreciate the value of guards when it comes to securing a victory and it doesn't come much more distinctively tasty than Buzzcut.

Elwood T. Bone
Add in Firewall to that mix and you've got a team transformed!  Titanium Terrors took a real mauling in their last match against the Psychotic Stunties but it was The Vaticlan that were to be on the receiving end this time.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Oh yes, Elwood; Buzzcut was imperious in this game rampaging around the pitch like an over-stimulated child in a ball pit ... only the balls would be rats ... and the child would have been fed massive doses of steroids from birth.  Vaticlan #4 Striker Skweedo Shektah couldn't get out of the way quickly enough and Buzzcut literally stomped him into the neodurium.  Let's hope veer-myn corpses don't leave stains.


Elwood T. BoneWith this untamed carnage going on it would have been easy to think The Vaticlan would have run away and hid but their #2 Striker, Qubert Finkle managed to slip away with the ball evade the backstops and slam home a three point strike!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" SpanghammerIt wasn't a lead that could last though and with Buzzcut and Firewall herding Vaticlan players all over the board Titanium Terrors #2 XR-412 slipped into striker form.


Elwood T. BoneWith is change done XR-412 scored not one, not two, not even three, BUT FOUR consecutive three point strikes.  UNBELIEVABLE!  The crowd went ballistic.  XR-412 has gone from zero to hero in a single game winning the match and taking a dominant lead at the top of the Golden Glove table.

FINAL SCORE:  Titanium Terrors 7 - 0 The Vaticlan



LEAGUE TABLES AND PLAYER AWARDS


Thanks again to Elwood and Kurt for their ever insightful commentary.  Before I sign off I thought I'd share the current league tables and the player award rankings.  The first round two matches have already shook things up a little!

ALPHA DIVISION, PHAT CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Brutal DeluxeDanVoid Siren295
J-MEATPeteJudwan173
De ProfundisPhilZz'or2-23
Squat ThrustChrisForge Fathers101
PanzerkriegSpencerRobot1-70

BETA DIVISION, PHAT CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Titanium TerrorsStuart JRobots254
Helheim SerpentsAlaisdhairForge Fathers203
Psychotic StuntiesLee OswinForge Fathers122
The VaticlanAustinVeer-myn2-52
Lady Destroying BehemothsRoss Koch-McLovinTrontek 29ers2-90

DELTA DIVISION, CATS CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Super NashwanGazVoid Siren132
Rico's RoachesAntZz'orr112
Zhambel HorsemenRob HowardTrontek 29ers1-31
The DisrespectersDarrellVeer-myn2-81
Crimson Corpse CreatorsCoopsOrx1-10

GAMMA DIVISION, CATS CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
LCBWNickJudwan2125
Olympiakos PaiderastesSonnyTrontek 29ers173
JackhammersJack Robots112
Iron SparkiesJakeTrontek 29ers1-51
Guttersnipe RacketeersLee UptonVeer-myn1-70


GOLDEN GLOVE AWARD



Golden Glove
Team#NamePositionStrike Total
Titanium Terrors2XR-412Jack12
Brutal Deluxe11Thelonius CaineStriker8
LCBW6Shoon-Ra the ContemplativeStriker6
Brutal Deluxe12Kenshi "Kamikaze" HatamotoStriker4
Olympiakos Paiderastes3Zorba PopadopolousStriker4
Super Nashwan7Akuro ShimakageStriker4
Zhambel Horsemen8Jonathan CrossStriker4
De Profundis3ByronJack3
Iron Sparkies10Carlos "Jalapeno" SantanaStriker3
J-MEAT4"Shitweasle"Striker3
J-MEAT5"Fudgerocket"Striker3
LCBW3Kee-Lix the CompliantStriker3
LCBW5Faar-Lan the WhisperStriker3
Olympiakos Paiderastes1Stelios FalerakiStriker3
Psychotic Stunties13Herger "Tugboat" KremsStriker3
Super Nashwan6Omura InariStriker3
The Vaticlan5Renik TwitchflickStriker3
The Vaticlan3Skrittik CheesewhizzStriker3
The Vaticlan2Qubert FinkleStriker3
De Profundis10KeatsStriker2
Helheim Serpents1Kari JensenStriker2
LCBW2Yuen the InappropriateStriker1
Rico's Roaches12Sugar RushStriker1

BLOODY FIST AWARD



Bloody Fist
Team#NamePosition3 turn injuriesKills Violence Index
Lady Destroying Behemoths2Joe "Sous Chef" SuttonKeeper125
Brutal Deluxe1Dutch Van HaeganGuard024
Psychotic Stunties1Borden ForgefistGuard113
Super Nashwan3Hitoshi WatabeJack012
Psychotic Stunties2Gunnar EarbiterGuard012
De Profundis3ByronJack012
Crimson Corpse Creators2Mongo ManmasherGuard012
Helheim Serpents8Olaf TrygvassonKeeper202
The Vaticlan8Sarkos the ScabarousGuard101
Helmheim Serpents1Gunnar Bjarnisson (DEAD)Guard101
Brutal Deluxe7Oscar "Hotpants" PetersenJack101
De Profundis1WordsworthGuard101

That's all for this post sexy people; see you on the neodurium!

ParthianShot out!

Thursday, 12 September 2013

PCDBL - Round one complete!

Welcome back sexy people to the PCDBL Blog.  The final round one results are in and I thought you would all like to see the tables so far.

ALPHA DIVISION; PHAT CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
J-MEATPeteJudwan173
Brutal DeluxeDanVoid Siren173
De ProfundisPhilZz'or102
Squat ThrustChrisForge Fathers101
PanzerkriegSpencerRobot1-70


Head Coach, Chris "Vegas Roller" Boulton had to call up his deputy coach, Guido Felatianus to stand in for this match and take the helm of the good ship Squat Thrust.  Reasons for his "indisposition" are circulating but mafia involvement and naughty ladies are the favoured candicates.  Who knows; maybe it was naughty mafia ladies!  In anycase the game turned out to be one of the closest we've since in the league so far.  A match report and the stats will follow shortly. In the meantime De Profundis' victory would have put them at the top of most divisions in the league but the presence of
J-MEAT and Brutal Deluxe has kept them firmly in third place.

BETA DIVISION; PHAT CONFERENCE


TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
The VaticlanAustinVeer-myn122
Psychotic StuntiesLee OswinForge Fathers122
Helheim SerpentsAlaisdhairForge Fathers1-21
Titanium TerrorsStuart JRobots1-21
Lady Destroying BehemothsRoss Koch-McLovinTrontek 29ers1-70

DELTA DIVISION; CATS CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Super NashwanGazVoid Siren132
Rico's RoachesAntZz'orr112
The DisrespectersDarrellVeer-myn1-11
Zhambel HorsemenRob HowardTrontek 29ers1-31
Crimson Corpse CreatorsCoopsOrx1-10

Super Nashwan's epic match against the Zhambel Horsemen has seen them take the top spot in a very tight division.  Their next opponents, Crimson Corpse Creators issued a press released stating their intention to got for three kills a game and dominate the Bloody Fist player award whilst Super Nashwan have indicated that the Creators should bring plenty of Orx sized body bags; its shaping up to be a classic grudge match!  We will of course bring you the blow by blow account of every bone crunching moment!

GAMMA DIVISION; CATS CONFERENCE



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Olympiakos PaiderastesSonnyTrontek 29ers173
LCBWNickJudwan152
JackhammersJack Robots112
Iron SparkiesJakeTrontek 29ers1-51
Guttersnipe RacketeersLee UptonVeer-myn1-70

Olympiakos Paiderastes super quick landslide win has put them in a commanding position at the top of Gamma Division.  The question we're all asking though is, does that just make them easier to target?  Yes would be my answer!

IN OTHER NEWS ...

19th September sees the first MVP auction of the season and bidding is expected to be fierce.  Having taken a pounding in their first match and also squaring up to one of the richest teams in the league Titanium Terrors have pocketed a huge 25mc underdog bonus!  They could afford Gareth Bale's right leg for that!  At the other end of the scale J-MEAT blew their entire bank balance on a spare Judwan; there's been no Judwan casualties in the league so far but squaring off against the most violent team in the league, Psychotic Stunties, in their next match an extra body might just come in handy.

Brutal Deluxe and LCBW have focussed on the training needs of their teams, both recruiting an Offensive coach (aren't they all?).  Have two of the most experienced coaches in the league demonstrated tactical brilliance or will it be money down the toilet?  Only time will tell!

Stay tuned until next time sports fans when we'll be bringing you the auction results and the first round two matches with commentary from Elwood T. Bone and Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer.

ParthianShot out!

Saturday, 7 September 2013

PCDBL - Dreadball Extra!

Welcome back sports fans!  After last weeks somewhat annoying shenanigans we're back on track with the final round one matches.  And what a pair of matches they were.  Let's go straight over to Elwood and Kurt who have the latest results:

Elwood T. Bone
Thank you Mr Shot and welcome one an all to a veritable dreadball feast of delights.  We've witnessed two thrilling games this evening but before we start let's have a look at the unveiling of Super Nashwan's new team colours.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
If we must ...

Super Nashwan ... look at them and admit that you are not worthy!
Elwood T. Bone
Oh yeah; that's a seriously hot look for the Nashwan ladies.  Let me just ... *mutters* ... says here connect this to ... erm, WOW!  OK, I'm ready - carry on.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
What in the Nine Pits of Infernus III have you just attached to yourself?

Elwood T. Bone
Product placement - just carry on as normal ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Is it going to buzz like that for the whole programme?

Elwood T. Bone
No its just ... warming ... UP! WOO-HOO!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Is there no nadir of human experience into which you will not dive head first?  It was a rhetorical question before you open your booze pipe to answer.  Moving on though ...

Zhambel Horsemen v Super Nashwan

Ready for launch!
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
This was an epic match with plenty of violence and even some scoring for the more effeminate fans.  From the off both defences kept up a barrage of slams attempting to dominate the midfield.

Elwood T. Bone
Yes it took some time to break through with numerous ... nnnm ... BALL ... handling errors but with the game heading into the last half Super Nashwan #7 Striker, Akuro Shimekage weaved through the opposition to score a four point strike.   uuHHHH!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The midfield battle however left Super Nashwan's strike zones wide open.  A shocking oversight and frankly it let the Zhambel Horsemen get right back into the game.

Elwood T. Bone
Zhambel Horsemen #8 Striker Jonathan Cross picked up the ball from a favourable launch and sprinted down to the 3 point strike zone.  Unopposed he placed a well aimed shot right in the ... OO! ... HOLE ... from the bonus hex bringing the the team level pegging again.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
With the clock running down Super Nashwan demonstrated their defensive brilliance; Zhambel Horsemen #7 Striker Jimmy Caan made a break for a loose ball.  Reading the move perfectly Super Nashwan #3 Jack, Hitoshi "Clothesline" Watabe stepped in with a reverse elbow to Caan's face.  Caan span 360 degrees before landing face down and dead on the pitch.  It was beautiful and as Super Nashwan like to say "HADUKEN motherhumper!"

Elwood T. Bone
Oh YES!  Hitoshi can interfere with me anytime ... mmmHUH!  With the game in sudden death and only three Zhambel players left on the pitch Super Nashwan took the game home.  Their #6 Striker Omura Inari swept up the ball and .... SLAMMED ... it home to take the game ...

ERMAGHERD!!!! ....wooooHOOOOOOO! ... mother ...

And I'm spent.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I've got sick in my mouth.  You are utterly repellent.

Elwood T. Bone
Wow, you've got to try this.  Don't worry; it's wipe clean.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Get bent.

FINAL SCORE:  Zhambel Horsemen 0 - 3 Super Nashwan

Guttersnipe Racketeers v Olympiakos Paiderastes

Elwood T. Bone
*Ahem* Much like a Marine on shore leave for the first time in six months this was all over in a flash!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes it was rather swift; I barely had time to finish my fight with a security guard before the klaxon went for the first strike.

Elwood T. Bone
The Guttersnipes had real problems collecting the ball fumbling attempt after attempt.  That said you've got to hand it to Olympiakos #3 Striker Zorba Papodopolous whose silky moves saw him slip through the Guttersnipe defence like a oiled man wrestler through a vat of KY jelly.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The Guttersnipes couldn't even exploit a lucky ball shatter leaving the way open for Olympiakos #1 Striker Stelios Faleraki to take the game with a 3 point strike in rush 4.  Total defensive meltdown.  I was shocked Elwood.

Elwood T. Bone
I think that was when the guard shot you in the back of the head with a tazer.  In any event the landslide victory puts Olympiakos Paiderastes up there with the highest scoring teams so far and a strong lead in Gamma Division.

FINAL SCORE:  Guttersnipe Racketeers 0 - 7 Olympiakos Paiderastes

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's it from us for now.

Elwood T. Bone
Except to thank our sponsors for this show; Exquisite Stimulation and for the sample of their latest device the Priapus 5000 deluxe love tunnel simulator.  Just strap yourself in and scream if you want to go faster!

PLAYER STANDINGS

Thanks to Kurt and Elwood for their always insightful commentary.  One last thing for this blog, I thought you would like to see the current standings in our Golden Glove and Bloody Fist player awards.  The Golden Glove will go to the player with the highest strike total at the end of the league whilst the Bloody Fist will go to the player with the highest Violence Index.

The Violence Index is calculated base don the number of 3+ turn injuries a player causes with one point for injuring a player and 2 points for killing someone out right.  Keep your eyes on these players; they are certainly ones to watch!


Golden Glove
Team#NamePositionStrike Total
LCBW6Shoon-Ra the ContemplativeStriker6
Brutal Deluxe11Thelonius CaineStriker4
Brutal Deluxe12Kenshi "Kamikaze" HatamotoStriker4
Zhambel Horsemen8Jonathan CrossStriker4
Olympiakos Paiderastes3Zorba PopadopolousStriker4
Super Nashwan7Akuro ShimakageStriker4
Super Nashwan6Omura InariStriker3
J-MEAT4"Shitweasle"Striker3
J-MEAT5"Fudgerocket"Striker3
The Vaticlan5Renik TwitchflickStriker3
The Vaticlan3Skrittik CheesewhizzStriker3
Psychotic Stunties13Herger "Tugboat" KremsStriker3
Olympiakos Paiderastes1Stelios FalerakiStriker3
Iron Sparkies10Carlos "Jalapeno" SantanaStriker3



Bloody Fist
Team#NamePosition3 turn injuriesKills Violence Index
Psychotic Stunties1Borden ForgefistGuard113
Brutal Deluxe1"Dutch" Van HaeganGuard012
Psychotic Stunties2Gunnar EarbiterGuard012
Crimson Corpse Creators2Mongo ManmasherGuard012
Super Nashwan3Hitoshi WatabeJack012
The Vaticlan8Sarkos the ScabarousGuard101
Helmheim Serpents1Gunnar BjarnissonGuard101
Lady Destroying Behemoths2Joe "Sous Chef" SuttonGuard101


Sunday, 25 August 2013

PCDBL - Its all gone a bit alien wing wong!

I was hoping to bring you coverage of the final round one matches in this blog sports fans, unfortunately terrorist action (they're renovating the floor in our gaming hall) and legal ineptitude (a solicitor screwed up my house move) meant that the games this week had to be postponed.  Lucky for you though we've got "Elwood and Kurts'  Probing Eye";  their view of some of the rising stars of the league.  To start with though let's look at the current league standings.

Alpha Division, Phat Conference


TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
J-MEATPeteJudwan173
Brutal DeluxeDanVoid Siren173
Squat ThrustChrisForge Fathers000
TBCPhilZz'or000
PanzerkriegSpencerRobot1-70

Alpha Division is shaping up to be a division of of extremes!  J-MEAT and Brutal Deluxe are the two highest scoring teams in the entire league so far and tickets for their future match up are already selling like bottled water during a cholera outbreak.  Squat Thrust and the as yet unnamed Zz'or team (they're enigmatic bastards as well as getting into your skirting boards) have yet to play leaving Panzerkrieg languishing at the bottom.  With only one game down though there is plenty of opportunity to turn the table on its head.

Beta Division, Phat Conference


TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
The VaticlanAustinVeer-myn122
Psychotic StuntiesLee OswinForge Fathers122
Helheim SerpentsAlaisdhairForge Fathers1-21
Titanium TerrorsStuart JRobots1-21
Lady Destroying BehemothsRoss Koch-McLovinTrontek 29ers1-70

Some cagey, defensive games in the first round is reflected in the league standings.  They were brutal though with Beta Division having had the most fatalities of any of the divisions.  Only the Lady Destroying Behemoths are lagging but again, its all still to play for.

Delta Division, Cats Conference

TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
Rico's RoachesAntZz'orr112
Crimson Corpse CreatorsCoopsOrx1-10
Zhambel HorsemenRob HowardTrontek 29ers000
Super NashwanGazVoid Siren000
The DisrespectersDarrellVeer-myn000

Another really tight (ooo, matron!) division if the first match was anything to go by.  There's another clash of human teams styles in the offing with Super Nashwan and Zhambel Horsemen squaring off which will certainly be one to watch.

Gama Division, Cats Conference



TeamCoachRacePlayedStrike DifferenceLeague Points
L.C.B.W.NickJudwan152
Iron SparkiesJakeTrontek 29ers1-51
Guttersnipe RacketeersLee UptonVeer-myn000
Olympiakos PaiderastesSonnyTrontek 29ers000
JackhammersJack Robots000
LCBW managed to win their first match giving them an early lead in Gamma Division however, all the pundits are asking, will their failure to secure a landslide victory against the Iron Sparkies make them vulnerable later on?  Only time will tell!

Elwood and Kurt's Probing Eye

Elwood T. Bone
Welcome sexy people to our first Probing Eye of the season.  We'll be looking at those players who have made their mark ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
... quite literally in some cases ...

Elwood T. Bone
... on the league so far!

ALPHA DIVISION


Elwood T. Bone
Let's take at look at Alpha Division first, Kurt.  J-MEAT are sitting pretty right at the top their thanks to their star strikers ... err ... is that a "K"?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How the frack-a-nola should I know Elwood?  That's no writing I've ever seen before - I thought someone had sneezed on my script.  For the purposes of this Probing Eye #4 is Shitweasel and #5 is Fudgerocket; near as god-dammit as I'm going to get to their names.

Elwood T. Bone
Didn't you win an award once for cross species cultural understanding Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yeah but only after I threatened to beat the voting panel to death with a Zz'or's gentalia if they didn't vote for me.

Elwood T. Bone
In any case those those freaky Judwan are scoring machines.  Who knows by the end of the season Shitweasel and Fudgerocket could both be in the running for the Golden Glove for top scorer.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
If we're talking about records lets look at one player that has set the bar high for everyone in his first match; Dutch Van Haegan, #1 Guard for Brutal Deluxe achieved the fastest league kill with a Rush 2, Action 2 kill.  I've always said the best defence is a brutal and efficient maiming of the opponent; strikers can't score if they're dead!

Elwood T. Bone
Unfortunately true, Kurt.  Brutal Deluxe have two of the top scoring strikers as well to go with their monster guard.  #11 Thelonius Caine and #12 Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto both slammed home 4 pointers.  I sense a bit of rivalry between these two Kurt!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
They're strikers Elwood; it's probably just sexual tension ...

BETA DIVISION

Elwood T. Bone
Its the graveyard division!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Oh yes Elwood; this is the division where players come to die - IN THEIR DROVES!  Right at the top of this predatory food chain is Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard Borden Forgefist and his tag team partner, #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter, between them them tallied two kills and a serious repair job.  A psychotically pleasing start to the season!

Elwood T. Bone
Indeed and if that were not enough #13 Striker Herger "Tugboat" Krems managed a 3 point strike.  Took him all game to get there though!  Personally I don't think "Tugboat" will be threatening for the Golden Glove by the end of the season but then I've seen Kurt holding a puppy so stranger things have happened!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I was looking for somewhere to drown it.  I have to agree though Elwood; Forgefather strikers are about as much use as a prophylactic flavoured lollipop.  Watch those guards though sports fans!

Elwood T. Bone
If we're talking about top scorers we need to be looking at The Vaticlan my dangerously violent compatriot.  #3 Striker Skrittik Cheesewhizz and #5 Striker Renik Twitchflick both of whom delivered the strikes to win their first game and I have to say they are on fire.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Great news!  I've often thought cooking Veer-myn could solve many problems!

Elwood T. Bone
Not literally on fire; its an expression ... can I just ask what your IQ is again Kurt?

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Anything over 60 is wasted on a true Dreadballer ...

Elwood T. Bone
So somewhere in the low 50's then I'm guessing.  That's all for now oh Disciples of Dreadball.  In the next programme we'll be looking at the new talent in Delta and Gamma divisions and previewing the frenzied bidding as the MVP market opens for the first time this season.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes its a real meat-market ...

Elwood T. Bone
Reminds me of an Asterian Courtesan auction I went to once; so difficult to tell the genders apart and yet intriguing experiences either way you went ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Your are a rancid, weeping carbuncle on the forehead of humanity Elwood.  I'm off to get hosed down.





Saturday, 17 August 2013

PCDBL - LET'S PLAY BALL!

Welcome back sport's fans!  The first night of the PCDBL league has been played and it was a night to remember.  It was a night for making new heroes, forging new rivalries and burying the newly dead!  For our round up of the night's events lets go over to the studio now where Elwood T. Bone and Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer are waiting to pick over the bones.

Elwood T. Bone 
Thank you Mr Shot!  It was indeed a night to remember; nine 3+ strikes, five serious injuries and three fatalities.  Sounds like the post-testimonial party I hosted last week; boy do those Asterian chicks like a good strike!  By the way, if members of the Corporation Law Enforcement community are watching, I still have NO memory of how that Judwan ended up face down in the pool.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How are you not dead from Venusian Scrotum Rot you deviant pond dweller?  I also notice I didn't get an invite to that party; thanks for that.  Back to the games though and lets have a look at the round up of tonight's matches:

FEATURED MATCH:  Rico's Roaches v Crimson Corpse Creators

Rico's Roaches and Crimson Corpse Creators wait for the launch to start the game.

Roaches Coach, Anton is looking confident.  He's also managed to get some product placement in which will make his sponsors happy!

Crimson Corpse Creators Coach, Coops look like he has something up his sleeve.  Lets hope its a plan for the match and not something less savoury.  Personally I reckon its the latter.
Elwood T. Bone 
This was a tight one, which as my fans will know is just how I like them!  The goblinz are a slippery bunch and made the most of their speed to weave through the Roaches defence.  Turned out though that they all need more practice on the throwing range as they couldn't score a single strike!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's right Elwood, there was guard on guard action in the centre of the pitch as the teams fought to establish defensive dominance.  It was a carapace crunching affair too as Crimson Corpse Creator #2 Mongo Manmasher hit a Roaches' jack so hard his chitin split, spraying bug innards everywhere.  I'd say it was dead Elwood but who can tell with these alien freaks?

FIGHT!  Hang on; where did the ball go?
Elwood T. Bone 
As the clock ticked away the goblinz missed strike after strike as the Roaches traded blows with the Orx.  Will nobody think of the ball?!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Screw the ball you priapic gland, the Roaches played a masterful defensive game grinding down the Crimson Corpse Creators through sheer iron will.  With the final klaxon announcing sudden death that changed though!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly did; making a final play to end the match, Rico's Roaches #8, "Sugar Rush" scooped the ball into it's alien scoopy-appendage, scuttled into the 1 point strike zone and promptly slammed that baby home!  The first and only strike attempt by the Roaches won them the match!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Sure; all the deviants and cocktail drinkers out there will have wanted a more open game.  But I say go touch yourself with a cattleprod you inbred hemaphrodites; this was a real game with a real result!

FINAL SCORE:  Crimson Corpse Creators 0 - 1 Rico's Roaches

Helheim Serpents v The Vaticlan 


The Vaticlan #3, Skritik Cheesewhizz slams home the winning three point strike leaving Serpents' players eating his dust.  Rumours abound that the "all grey" uniform of the Serpents is being changed for their next match!
Elwood T. Bone 
Two fairly inexperienced coaches led to a wide open game.  In the end though the Helheim Serpents with their tiny legs just couldn't outscore The Vaticlan.  Despite the Serpents scoring a three pointer and a single point strike two big three pointers put the The Vaticlan ahead as the clock counted out leaving the rats to head to the sewer for an after party and the stumpies to sit and cry into their beards.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes I have to say the the defensive errors on both sides made me quite angry Elwood.  I might have even lashed out at one stage.  Apologies to Pip Angostura from K-Mine Industries Vidcast;  hope your nose can be grown back.  On a legal point, Pip, I did tell you not to sit that close to me.  More gratifyingly both The Vaticlan and the Serpents did demonstrate the violence that is the cornerstone of a good defence with Serpents #6 Gunnar Bjarnisson and The Vaticlan #3 Sarkos the Scabrous both sending an opponent to out for surgery!

FINAL SCORE:  The Vaticlan 2 - 0 Helheim Serpents


J-MEAT v Panzerkrieg

Don't look away because you might miss the whole match!


Elwood T. Bone 
High holy frickin' hookers on space hoppers if you blinked you would have missed this game.  Right from the off J-MEAT dominated possession running circles around Panzerkrieg.  Those robots just couldn't catch a break! When the ball finally did fall in their favour it promptly shattered handing the ball back to J-MEAT to score their final strike for a landslide victory.  Those Judwan are just so frickin flexible ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The Judwan disgust me Elwood.  If it were up to me I'd drown them all in a swimming pool ...

Elwood T. Bone 
I couldn't comment on that Kurt ... I don't remember a thing.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You can't question their scoring ability but who in a sane and God-fearing universe would play Dreadball without any guards?  And what was that celebratory thing J-MEAT #4 and #5 did after their 3 point strikes?  It was like some kind of judwan-erotic pre-bunk up dance.  Made me puke.  Again, apologies to Pip Angostura ...

FINAL SCORE:  J-MEAT 7 - 0 Panzerkrieg


Iron Sparkies v LCBW 

Playing at the new Tesla Dome stadium, its 30 seconds to pain-o'clock!

Elwood T. Bone 
It seems the lanky freaks are not flawless!  Despite their flowing moves getting them out of trouble time and time again,  LCBW coach, Nick was not happy with his teams ball handling as they fumbled too many attempts.  Personally I find you need to pay a premium to get really high quality ball handling or spend exhaustive time in one on one sessions to teach the correct method.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Wait; are you talking about Dreadball or hookers?

Elwood T. Bone 
Equally applicable advice Kurt ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I swear I'm sending you my decontamination bill you diseased reprobate.    What I do know is that the Iron Sparkies made far too many defensive errors, the most basic being that to really hurt a Judwan you need three players; two to hold it still and one to twat it in the wing wong.  Otherwise the slippery bastards get away.

Elwood T. Bone 
In the end defensive errors gifted the game to LCBW with #6 Shoon-Ra the Contemplative scoring two 3+ strikes and taking the man of the match.

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Freak of the week more like ...

FINAL SCORE:  Iron Sparkies 0 - 5 LCBW


Psychotic Stunties v Titanium Terrors

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
This was a servo-smashing affair Elwood with two, that's TWO fatalities.  Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard, Borden Forgefist and #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter totalled a robot each with Borden dispatching another to the repair yard.  That's going to be expensive!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly is Kurt, especially since the Stunties managed to score a 3+ point strike!  Probably too much to ask them to score more than once given the time it takes them to run the full length of the pitch.  All the Titanium Terrors could manage was a single point in reply.  Not so terrifying after all it would seem.  On the plus side I here there is good money to be found providing AI modules for auto-erotic stimulation devices; they might have failed as players but some cheerleader will be smiling!

FINAL SCORE:  Psychotic Stunties 2 - 0 Titanium Terrors

Lady Destroying Behemoths v Brutal Deluxe

Elwood T. Bone 
We witnessed a clash of styles in this match with Lady Destroying Behemoths playing in the Trontek style versus Brutal Deluxe's Void Siren set up.  And what a match it was!

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
It certainly was; Brutal Deluxe now are the proud holders of fastest kill in the leagues with a text book, rush two take down of a Lady Destroying Behemoth striker.  #1 Guard Dutch Van Haegan executed a perfect neck chop; who'd have thought it would actually remove his target's head though?  Even if they stitch that back on its going to leave a scar!

Elwood T. Bone 
Let's not forget the underhanded play by Brutal Deluxe getting Lady Destroying Behemoths' #1 Guard Steph "Codemonkey" Ashwell set off by forcing a suckerpunch.  He didn't see that coming, but the ref certainly did!  Lady Destroying Behemoths got an early one point strike on the board but Brutal Deluxe #11 Thelonius Caine countered with a dashing move to score a four point strike.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That certainly riled the Lady Destroying Behemoths' #2 Guard Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton who served up an express delivery of pain to a Brutal Deluxe jack, knocking him the frick out!

Elwood T. Bone 
Yes but Lady Destroying Behemoths fumbled their last play scattering their ball dangerously into their three point strike zone.  With the last rush of the game Brutal Deluxe's #12 striker Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto sprinted the length of the pitch to gather the ball and then, to add insult to injury, audaciously hopped back into the bonus hex to score a four point strike and clinch the game! LANDSLIDE-RYU!!!!!!!!!!

FINAL SCORE:  Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 7 Brutal Deluxe

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's all for tonight sports fans ...

Elwood T. Bone 
Although I am available at the Sweaty Crevice Nightclub later if there are any erotic adventurers out there eager for new experiences ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You are aware that it is only the money I get paid for this that is preventing me from killing you. And seriously, wash next time, you smell like a turd covered in burnt hair.

Elwood T. Bone 
That's what desire smells like ...

Tuesday, 13 August 2013

PCDBL - colour me hospitalised ...

Bienvenue, wilkommen, welcome sports fans to the PCDBL blog.

With a mere 72 hours until it all kicks off (and I mean that literally; Ross Koch-McLovin, having lived for years with a highly suggestive surname and Godzilla jokes (he's HUGE) is rated 9.4 on the table-flipping scale) the teams are starting to post some honey shots.   Mmmm, work it for the camera!

Let's start with the pros ...

Team Rico's Roaches Coach Anton

Anton, as well as being the official Godfather of Dreadball at Phatcats is also a painting machine.  Seriously I think the man has invented some kind of time distortion device given the quality and quantity of the stuff he turns out.  On his blog you can find some cracking photos of Rico's Roaches who will be one of the teams in the featured matches from the first night of the league.  I'd recommend a browse through the rest of his stuff ... it's proper "Diary of a Mad Man" stuff and very entertaining!


http://toomuchmetal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/lets-get-ready-to-rumble-zzor-dreadball.html

Team Titanium Terrors Coach Stuart J

These vending machines of violence and violation have had their warm up games and are ready for the real thing.  What's the orx doing in the front of the picture you ask?  Target practice ...






Team Iron Sparkies Coach Jake
There's something timeless about about angry men in power armour, a timelessness that Jake has managed to capture in his team.  Will it still be apparent after they've been torn limb from limb?  Who knows - but lets see what they look like intact!


Team Crimson Corpse Creators Coach Coops

They're mean, they're green and they like it obscene its the Crimson Corpse Creators!  Look out for these bad boys in our featured match from the 15th August squaring up against Rico's Roaches.



Team Brutal Deluxe Coach Dan

Mmm, purple.  The colour of emperors, Centauri and and porn stars the world over.  It also looks alright on homicidal future sports teams too, or at least Dan thinks so.  Purple or not can Brutal Deluxe deliver when it matters though?  Only time will tell!



I don't know about you sports fans but I can smell the blood already!!

ParthianShot signing off!

Saturday, 3 August 2013

PCDBL - Kick Off Date!

All the try-outs, all the warm ups, all the "friendlies" played have led to this moment

PCDBL kicks off on 15th August!  


That's right sports fans, 15th August 2013 will see the league kick off at the Phat Cats regular club night.  Anticipation is high and the trash talk is flowing freely.  Whilst the teams prepare themselves let me take you through the league divisions and explain how its all going to hang together.

The teams are divided into four divisions of five teams and two conferences of two divisions.  Each team will play one league match against each of the teams in its division plus one game with a team from its sister division in its conference.

Teams will score 3 league points for a 7-0 landslide or 2 league points for any other win.  Losing teams get nothing except if they manage to score at least once  in a non-landslide victory in which case they get a single league point.

The top two teams for each division will then go forward into a knock out competition with the last team standing taking the title of PCDBL Champion for 2013.  There will also be prizes!

The league will be played on a modified Dreadball pitch.  The PCDBL has recently installed hyper kinetic ball launchers in place of the standard launcher making it very perilous indeed to stand on the launch hexes! In effect the ball launcher now counts as a ball thrown with the intent to injure.  Launch tests will be a standard 3D6 at 4+.  Players will be able to dodge (if they can see it coming!) but not catch it.

A panel of independent adjudicators drew the teams into their divisions so lets see how they look:

Alpha Division, Phat Conference


Panzerkrieg - Spencer
Brutal Deluxe - Dan
J-MEAT - Peter
Squat Thrust - Chris
<Zz'or> - Philip

Beta Division, Phat Conference


The Vaticlan - Austin
Psychotic Stunties - Lee O.
Helheim Serpents - Alaisdhair
Titanium Terrors - Stuart
Lady Destroying Behemoths - Ross Koch-McLovin

Delta Division, Cats Conference


Rico's Roaches - Ant
Crimson Corpse Creators - Cooper
Zhambel Horsemen - Rob H (aka Gimli)
Super Nashwan - Gaz
The Disrespecters - Darrell

Gamma Division, Cats Conference


Guttersnipe Racketeers - Lee U.
L.C.B.W. - Nick
Iron Sparkies - Jake
Olympiakos Paiderastes - Sonny the Greek
Jackhammers - Jack


I don't know about you sports fans but I'm positively dripping excitement!

One last thing - for your match commentaries I'll be handing the blog over to a couple of Dreadball legends

Elwood T. Bone: The retired star striker from the now defunct Tel Aviv Trepanners still holds the records for the most four point strikes in a single match and for the most cheerleaders impregnated in a single season.  Expect Elwood to be casting a probing eye over all things offensive (both in the game and off the pitch) and giving you the benefit of his years of experience albeit not all of which you would like him to share with you.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer:  Consistently voted the most violent player in virtually every team he has played for (and he's played for a lot) Kurt's list of fatalities would make Ghengis Khan look like the Dalai Lama.  When he can keep his explosive rage under control, Kurt will be critically appraising the defensive aspects of the game.  There's a lot of wisdom in there once you take out all the expletives.

ParthianShot signing off!