Saturday 17 August 2013

PCDBL - LET'S PLAY BALL!

Welcome back sport's fans!  The first night of the PCDBL league has been played and it was a night to remember.  It was a night for making new heroes, forging new rivalries and burying the newly dead!  For our round up of the night's events lets go over to the studio now where Elwood T. Bone and Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer are waiting to pick over the bones.

Elwood T. Bone 
Thank you Mr Shot!  It was indeed a night to remember; nine 3+ strikes, five serious injuries and three fatalities.  Sounds like the post-testimonial party I hosted last week; boy do those Asterian chicks like a good strike!  By the way, if members of the Corporation Law Enforcement community are watching, I still have NO memory of how that Judwan ended up face down in the pool.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
How are you not dead from Venusian Scrotum Rot you deviant pond dweller?  I also notice I didn't get an invite to that party; thanks for that.  Back to the games though and lets have a look at the round up of tonight's matches:

FEATURED MATCH:  Rico's Roaches v Crimson Corpse Creators

Rico's Roaches and Crimson Corpse Creators wait for the launch to start the game.

Roaches Coach, Anton is looking confident.  He's also managed to get some product placement in which will make his sponsors happy!

Crimson Corpse Creators Coach, Coops look like he has something up his sleeve.  Lets hope its a plan for the match and not something less savoury.  Personally I reckon its the latter.
Elwood T. Bone 
This was a tight one, which as my fans will know is just how I like them!  The goblinz are a slippery bunch and made the most of their speed to weave through the Roaches defence.  Turned out though that they all need more practice on the throwing range as they couldn't score a single strike!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's right Elwood, there was guard on guard action in the centre of the pitch as the teams fought to establish defensive dominance.  It was a carapace crunching affair too as Crimson Corpse Creator #2 Mongo Manmasher hit a Roaches' jack so hard his chitin split, spraying bug innards everywhere.  I'd say it was dead Elwood but who can tell with these alien freaks?

FIGHT!  Hang on; where did the ball go?
Elwood T. Bone 
As the clock ticked away the goblinz missed strike after strike as the Roaches traded blows with the Orx.  Will nobody think of the ball?!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Screw the ball you priapic gland, the Roaches played a masterful defensive game grinding down the Crimson Corpse Creators through sheer iron will.  With the final klaxon announcing sudden death that changed though!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly did; making a final play to end the match, Rico's Roaches #8, "Sugar Rush" scooped the ball into it's alien scoopy-appendage, scuttled into the 1 point strike zone and promptly slammed that baby home!  The first and only strike attempt by the Roaches won them the match!

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Sure; all the deviants and cocktail drinkers out there will have wanted a more open game.  But I say go touch yourself with a cattleprod you inbred hemaphrodites; this was a real game with a real result!

FINAL SCORE:  Crimson Corpse Creators 0 - 1 Rico's Roaches

Helheim Serpents v The Vaticlan 


The Vaticlan #3, Skritik Cheesewhizz slams home the winning three point strike leaving Serpents' players eating his dust.  Rumours abound that the "all grey" uniform of the Serpents is being changed for their next match!
Elwood T. Bone 
Two fairly inexperienced coaches led to a wide open game.  In the end though the Helheim Serpents with their tiny legs just couldn't outscore The Vaticlan.  Despite the Serpents scoring a three pointer and a single point strike two big three pointers put the The Vaticlan ahead as the clock counted out leaving the rats to head to the sewer for an after party and the stumpies to sit and cry into their beards.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Yes I have to say the the defensive errors on both sides made me quite angry Elwood.  I might have even lashed out at one stage.  Apologies to Pip Angostura from K-Mine Industries Vidcast;  hope your nose can be grown back.  On a legal point, Pip, I did tell you not to sit that close to me.  More gratifyingly both The Vaticlan and the Serpents did demonstrate the violence that is the cornerstone of a good defence with Serpents #6 Gunnar Bjarnisson and The Vaticlan #3 Sarkos the Scabrous both sending an opponent to out for surgery!

FINAL SCORE:  The Vaticlan 2 - 0 Helheim Serpents


J-MEAT v Panzerkrieg

Don't look away because you might miss the whole match!


Elwood T. Bone 
High holy frickin' hookers on space hoppers if you blinked you would have missed this game.  Right from the off J-MEAT dominated possession running circles around Panzerkrieg.  Those robots just couldn't catch a break! When the ball finally did fall in their favour it promptly shattered handing the ball back to J-MEAT to score their final strike for a landslide victory.  Those Judwan are just so frickin flexible ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
The Judwan disgust me Elwood.  If it were up to me I'd drown them all in a swimming pool ...

Elwood T. Bone 
I couldn't comment on that Kurt ... I don't remember a thing.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You can't question their scoring ability but who in a sane and God-fearing universe would play Dreadball without any guards?  And what was that celebratory thing J-MEAT #4 and #5 did after their 3 point strikes?  It was like some kind of judwan-erotic pre-bunk up dance.  Made me puke.  Again, apologies to Pip Angostura ...

FINAL SCORE:  J-MEAT 7 - 0 Panzerkrieg


Iron Sparkies v LCBW 

Playing at the new Tesla Dome stadium, its 30 seconds to pain-o'clock!

Elwood T. Bone 
It seems the lanky freaks are not flawless!  Despite their flowing moves getting them out of trouble time and time again,  LCBW coach, Nick was not happy with his teams ball handling as they fumbled too many attempts.  Personally I find you need to pay a premium to get really high quality ball handling or spend exhaustive time in one on one sessions to teach the correct method.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Wait; are you talking about Dreadball or hookers?

Elwood T. Bone 
Equally applicable advice Kurt ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I swear I'm sending you my decontamination bill you diseased reprobate.    What I do know is that the Iron Sparkies made far too many defensive errors, the most basic being that to really hurt a Judwan you need three players; two to hold it still and one to twat it in the wing wong.  Otherwise the slippery bastards get away.

Elwood T. Bone 
In the end defensive errors gifted the game to LCBW with #6 Shoon-Ra the Contemplative scoring two 3+ strikes and taking the man of the match.

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Freak of the week more like ...

FINAL SCORE:  Iron Sparkies 0 - 5 LCBW


Psychotic Stunties v Titanium Terrors

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
This was a servo-smashing affair Elwood with two, that's TWO fatalities.  Psychotic Stunties #1 Guard, Borden Forgefist and #2 Guard Gunnar Earbiter totalled a robot each with Borden dispatching another to the repair yard.  That's going to be expensive!

Elwood T. Bone 
It certainly is Kurt, especially since the Stunties managed to score a 3+ point strike!  Probably too much to ask them to score more than once given the time it takes them to run the full length of the pitch.  All the Titanium Terrors could manage was a single point in reply.  Not so terrifying after all it would seem.  On the plus side I here there is good money to be found providing AI modules for auto-erotic stimulation devices; they might have failed as players but some cheerleader will be smiling!

FINAL SCORE:  Psychotic Stunties 2 - 0 Titanium Terrors

Lady Destroying Behemoths v Brutal Deluxe

Elwood T. Bone 
We witnessed a clash of styles in this match with Lady Destroying Behemoths playing in the Trontek style versus Brutal Deluxe's Void Siren set up.  And what a match it was!

 Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
It certainly was; Brutal Deluxe now are the proud holders of fastest kill in the leagues with a text book, rush two take down of a Lady Destroying Behemoth striker.  #1 Guard Dutch Van Haegan executed a perfect neck chop; who'd have thought it would actually remove his target's head though?  Even if they stitch that back on its going to leave a scar!

Elwood T. Bone 
Let's not forget the underhanded play by Brutal Deluxe getting Lady Destroying Behemoths' #1 Guard Steph "Codemonkey" Ashwell set off by forcing a suckerpunch.  He didn't see that coming, but the ref certainly did!  Lady Destroying Behemoths got an early one point strike on the board but Brutal Deluxe #11 Thelonius Caine countered with a dashing move to score a four point strike.

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That certainly riled the Lady Destroying Behemoths' #2 Guard Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton who served up an express delivery of pain to a Brutal Deluxe jack, knocking him the frick out!

Elwood T. Bone 
Yes but Lady Destroying Behemoths fumbled their last play scattering their ball dangerously into their three point strike zone.  With the last rush of the game Brutal Deluxe's #12 striker Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto sprinted the length of the pitch to gather the ball and then, to add insult to injury, audaciously hopped back into the bonus hex to score a four point strike and clinch the game! LANDSLIDE-RYU!!!!!!!!!!

FINAL SCORE:  Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 7 Brutal Deluxe

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
That's all for tonight sports fans ...

Elwood T. Bone 
Although I am available at the Sweaty Crevice Nightclub later if there are any erotic adventurers out there eager for new experiences ...

Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
You are aware that it is only the money I get paid for this that is preventing me from killing you. And seriously, wash next time, you smell like a turd covered in burnt hair.

Elwood T. Bone 
That's what desire smells like ...

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