All sitting comfortably? Then lets begin!
MVP Auction
With the matches arranged and underdog bonuses (bonusi?) burning a hole in their collective pockets the PCDBL coaches gathered for the MVP auction. It was a tense affair with the tension enhanced once the top flight coaches realised their opponents might have the cash to bid for team maulers like Buzzcut (more on that later!). Bidding was slow initially but soon picked up! Rob (Zhambel Horsemen) and Coops (Crimson Corpse Creators) both targetted Wildcard and Slippery Joe respectively; and both bids went unchallenged! Ross Koch McLovin had to go all the way to 12 MC to secure The Enforcer for the Lady Destroying Behemoths but since he was squaring up to a Forgefather team the extra muscle would undoubtedly be useful.Titanium Terrors coach, Stuart quickly realised that his enormous underdog bonus gave him an unchallengeable position in terms of bidding and he used it to great effect securing both Firewall and Buzzcut for his round two match. The Vaticlan coach, Austin could only watch in horror as he contemplated the nature and scope of the violation that was about to be visited upon his team. Finally Phil secured the services of John Doe for De Profundis. Having also purchased a second Zz'or guard Phil was certainly planning to put the hurt on Brutal Deluxe from the very start!
Here's the contract table after the auction (note we've only made available MVPs we have models for!):
| Available MVP List | | | |
|---|
| | | |
| Name | Base Cost (MC) | Current Cost (MC) | Contracted to |
| Number 88 | 8 | 8 | - |
| The Enforcer | 10 | 12 | Lady Destroying Behemoths |
| John Doe | 8 | 8 | De Profundis |
| Payback | 9 | 9 | - |
| Lucky Logan | 8 | 8 | - |
| Slippery Joe | 7 | 7 | Crimson Corpse Creators |
| Gorim Ironstone | 8 | 8 | - |
| Buzzcut | 11 | 12 | Titanium Terrors |
| Firewall | 11 | 12 | Titanium Terrors |
| Wildcard | 9 | 9 | Zhambel Horsemen |
| Meek'al Judwan | 12 | 12 | - |
Let's go over now to Elwood and Kurt at PCDBL headquarters to see how the first round two games played out!
Elwood T. Bone
Thank you once again Mr Shot! Some fascinating MVP contracts there Kurt I think you'll agree. Way above what I'd pay for extra services ...
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I've heard all the profit in the Sphere couldn't purchase the acts of diseased depravity you demand. That aside I was particularly impressed by the Titanium Terrors picks. Quite clearly they were opting for all out, full frontal, I'm-gonna-kill-every-last-cocktail-sipping-Judwan-fondler-you-put-on-the-pitch approach to the game. An approach that I heartily approve of!
Elwood T. Bone
You also approve of compulsory lifetime military service and the declaration of war on whales.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Absolutely; the big fishes AND the country!
Elwood T. Bone
Thanks for clearing that up; so lets take a look at the highlights from the first round two matches.
Lady Destroying Behemoths v Helheim Serpents
Elwood T. Bone
With the presence of The Enforcer on the pitch arrayed against a team of angry midgets this was always going to be a violent clash.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Both teams played an excellent defensive game, shutting down the opposition through the medium of murderdeathkillkillKILL! I was very impressed by the rising star, Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton in this game. In a move of tactical brilliance he targetted Serpent's Striker, Kari Jensen and took him out with a elbow drop to the cranium! I didn't think it was possible for Forgefather to get any shorter.
Elwood T. Bone
The ball was a secondary concern in the early rushes that's for certain; the first couple of rushes barely saw an attempt to collect it.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Olaf Trygvasson, the Serpents #8 Guard stepped up the pressure sending two Lady Destroying Behemoth players out for surgery in quick succession only for the Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton to wade in once more and execute nacent star guard, Gunnar Bjarnissen by slam dunking him beard first into the pitch. SCORE!!!! I'm the first to admit that taking a forgefather guard out permanently is no mean feat. Makes me kind of emotional ...
Elwood T. Bone
With the violence getting out of control and even the Enforcer going off with a serious injury it took the quick wits and silky ball skills of Serpents #2 Striker Hrafn Anderssen to collect the ball and sneak it home for two point strike. Victory for the Serpents!
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I guess there always has to be a loser; just look at you Elwood, you plague-riddled, morally bankrupt foetid pool of DNA fragments. It's a shame there had to be one for this game though with both teams really embracing the spirit of Dreadball. I think as far as the fans are concerned we were all winners here tonight.
FINAL SCORE: Lady Destroying Behemoths 0 - 2 Helheim Serpents
De Profundis v Brutal Deluxe
Elwood T. Bone
Another game with violence at the forefront of the game plan from the outset.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
In a move af tactical brilliance De Profundis had not only sold their striker corpse for cash but invested it wisely in a second guard. Furthermore they spent their underdog bonus on John Doe to beef up their defensive line. No striker is getting through there!
Elwood T. Bone
Well you'd think so, Kurt. It started off badly with Brutal Deluxe fumbling a ball pick up right in front of two very angry Zz'or guards catalysing the mother of all mongolian clusterfucks right in the middle of the board.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Four rushes worth of grunting and punching followed; De Profundis #1 Guard "Wordsworth" dispatched a Brutal Deluxe jack for three rushes and put their star guard Dutch Van Haegan on his arse too.
Elwood T. Bone
It couldn't last foerever though and when the ball finally popped out of the maul Brutal Deluxe #11 Striker Thelonius Caine scooped it up and slammed home a glorious four point strike. The Deluxe fans went wild! Especially the excitable lady in row 43. Mmmmm ... jiggly.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
De Profundis were quick to respond though and left Brutal Deluxe cursing their defensive error of leaving ANY strikers alive when De Profundis #11 "Keats" swept up a loose ball and oozed his way into the strike zone to score two points. They clean the ball after its been handled by Zz'or right? I mean they're basically giant cockroaches ... euw.
Elwood T. Bone
With Brutal Deluxe 2-0 up they decided to play the long game and shut De Profundis out of the match. Brutal Deluxe #10 Striker Brett Dodgerson collected the ball from the launch and sprinted away into the Zz'or end zone.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Not far enough though as De Profundis chased him down even committing a sneak foul to bring on an extra player to take him out. The foul got their #2 guard sent off but uber-jack #3 "Byron" was there to deliver a brutal swipe impaling the unfortunate striker on his stinger.
Elwood T. Bone
I'm looking on Wikipedia Kurt and that's NOT a stinger he used; its his ...
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Kids watch this; its a stinger.
Elwood T. Bone
Stinger or not De Profundis made a last ditch play to secure a two point score and level the match but Brutal Deluxe had one more ace up their sleeve.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
They certainly did and with the last De Profundis striker #11 "Keats" pinned againts the wall Dutch Van Haegan ran in and slammed him into cockroach tapenade. Last time I saw a mess like that was when I drove through a swarm of locusts in a juggernaut. Crunchy!
Elwood T. Bone
With no strikers on the pitch De Profundis were out of actions and out of time and couldn't get the ball into a striking position. As the klaxxon for full time went Brutal Deluxe celebrated a hard won victory and De Profundis had to chow down on shit-sandwich.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Isn't that what they eat normally?
FINAL SCORE: De Profundis 0 - 2 Brutal Deluxe
LCBW v The Disrespecters
Elwood T. Bone
I tell you straight sports fans, I had to watch this game twice in slo-motion just to make sure I could follow it! Veer-myn vs Judwan makes for a fast game and this one was quicker than a hormone filled teen hiding in the cheerleader's changing room.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I was confused Elwood. Players kept picking up the ball! I did think they were trying to cause injuries other by firing the ball at each other. Then I realised they wer PASSING it to one another! What kind of deviant, alien, inter-species, unclean, rancid sack of gonad fondling was this match?
Elwood T. Bone
Not entirely sure what you're talking about Kurt but what I can tell you is that LCBW were dominant in this game. Exploiting gaps in the Disrepecter's defence LCBW ducked, dodged, dipped, dived and ... dodged their way through to the strike zones. LCBW #3, Kee-Lix the Compliant was the first on the scoreboard with a three point strike followed shortly after by #5 Faar-Lan the Whisper with another.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Noxious piss-sticks both of them! I want to hurt them so much!
Elwood T. Bone
After failing to win by a landslide in their last match, LCBW were not about to let the opportunity slip through their overly long and dextrous fingers this time. LCBW #2 Yuen the Inappropriate did the honours with an insouciant single pointer to clinch the match 7-0!
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
I felt violated watching that Elwood. Moreso than the time when you swapped your "home movie" for my footage of the Galen III invasion.
Elwood T. Bone
It was an innocent accident; also I had no idea she was your personal cook. I say quite clearly in the footage that she should wash her hands.
FINAL SCORE: LCBW 7 - 0 The Disrespecters
Titanium Terrors v The Vaticlan
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Now this was a game more to my liking! It takes a coach of taste and distinction to appreciate the value of guards when it comes to securing a victory and it doesn't come much more distinctively tasty than Buzzcut.
Elwood T. Bone
Add in Firewall to that mix and you've got a team transformed! Titanium Terrors took a real mauling in their last match against the Psychotic Stunties but it was The Vaticlan that were to be on the receiving end this time.
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" Spanghammer
Oh yes, Elwood; Buzzcut was imperious in this game rampaging around the pitch like an over-stimulated child in a ball pit ... only the balls would be rats ... and the child would have been fed massive doses of steroids from birth. Vaticlan #4 Striker Skweedo Shektah couldn't get out of the way quickly enough and Buzzcut literally stomped him into the neodurium. Let's hope veer-myn corpses don't leave stains.
Elwood T. BoneWith this untamed carnage going on it would have been easy to think The Vaticlan would have run away and hid but their #2 Striker, Qubert Finkle managed to slip away with the ball evade the backstops and slam home a three point strike!
Kurt "Jaegerbomb" SpanghammerIt wasn't a lead that could last though and with Buzzcut and Firewall herding Vaticlan players all over the board Titanium Terrors #2 XR-412 slipped into striker form.
Elwood T. BoneWith is change done XR-412 scored not one, not two, not even three, BUT FOUR consecutive three point strikes. UNBELIEVABLE! The crowd went ballistic. XR-412 has gone from zero to hero in a single game winning the match and taking a dominant lead at the top of the Golden Glove table.
FINAL SCORE: Titanium Terrors 7 - 0 The Vaticlan
LEAGUE TABLES AND PLAYER AWARDS
Thanks again to Elwood and Kurt for their ever insightful commentary. Before I sign off I thought I'd share the current league tables and the player award rankings. The first round two matches have already shook things up a little!
ALPHA DIVISION, PHAT CONFERENCE
| Team | Coach | Race | Played | Strike Difference | League Points |
|---|
| Brutal Deluxe | Dan | Void Siren | 2 | 9 | 5 |
| J-MEAT | Pete | Judwan | 1 | 7 | 3 |
| De Profundis | Phil | Zz'or | 2 | -2 | 3 |
| Squat Thrust | Chris | Forge Fathers | 1 | 0 | 1 |
| Panzerkrieg | Spencer | Robot | 1 | -7 | 0 |
BETA DIVISION, PHAT CONFERENCE
| Team | Coach | Race | Played | Strike Difference | League Points |
|---|
| Titanium Terrors | Stuart J | Robots | 2 | 5 | 4 |
| Helheim Serpents | Alaisdhair | Forge Fathers | 2 | 0 | 3 |
| Psychotic Stunties | Lee Oswin | Forge Fathers | 1 | 2 | 2 |
| The Vaticlan | Austin | Veer-myn | 2 | -5 | 2 |
| Lady Destroying Behemoths | Ross Koch-McLovin | Trontek 29ers | 2 | -9 | 0 |
DELTA DIVISION, CATS CONFERENCE
| Team | Coach | Race | Played | Strike Difference | League Points |
|---|
| Super Nashwan | Gaz | Void Siren | 1 | 3 | 2 |
| Rico's Roaches | Ant | Zz'orr | 1 | 1 | 2 |
| Zhambel Horsemen | Rob Howard | Trontek 29ers | 1 | -3 | 1 |
| The Disrespecters | Darrell | Veer-myn | 2 | -8 | 1 |
| Crimson Corpse Creators | Coops | Orx | 1 | -1 | 0 |
GAMMA DIVISION, CATS CONFERENCE
| Team | Coach | Race | Played | Strike Difference | League Points |
|---|
| LCBW | Nick | Judwan | 2 | 12 | 5 |
| Olympiakos Paiderastes | Sonny | Trontek 29ers | 1 | 7 | 3 |
| Jackhammers | Jack | Robots | 1 | 1 | 2 |
| Iron Sparkies | Jake | Trontek 29ers | 1 | -5 | 1 |
| Guttersnipe Racketeers | Lee Upton | Veer-myn | 1 | -7 | 0 |
GOLDEN GLOVE AWARD
| Golden Glove | | | | |
|---|
| Team | # | Name | Position | Strike Total |
| Titanium Terrors | 2 | XR-412 | Jack | 12 |
| Brutal Deluxe | 11 | Thelonius Caine | Striker | 8 |
| LCBW | 6 | Shoon-Ra the Contemplative | Striker | 6 |
| Brutal Deluxe | 12 | Kenshi "Kamikaze" Hatamoto | Striker | 4 |
| Olympiakos Paiderastes | 3 | Zorba Popadopolous | Striker | 4 |
| Super Nashwan | 7 | Akuro Shimakage | Striker | 4 |
| Zhambel Horsemen | 8 | Jonathan Cross | Striker | 4 |
| De Profundis | 3 | Byron | Jack | 3 |
| Iron Sparkies | 10 | Carlos "Jalapeno" Santana | Striker | 3 |
| J-MEAT | 4 | "Shitweasle" | Striker | 3 |
| J-MEAT | 5 | "Fudgerocket" | Striker | 3 |
| LCBW | 3 | Kee-Lix the Compliant | Striker | 3 |
| LCBW | 5 | Faar-Lan the Whisper | Striker | 3 |
| Olympiakos Paiderastes | 1 | Stelios Faleraki | Striker | 3 |
| Psychotic Stunties | 13 | Herger "Tugboat" Krems | Striker | 3 |
| Super Nashwan | 6 | Omura Inari | Striker | 3 |
| The Vaticlan | 5 | Renik Twitchflick | Striker | 3 |
| The Vaticlan | 3 | Skrittik Cheesewhizz | Striker | 3 |
| The Vaticlan | 2 | Qubert Finkle | Striker | 3 |
| De Profundis | 10 | Keats | Striker | 2 |
| Helheim Serpents | 1 | Kari Jensen | Striker | 2 |
| LCBW | 2 | Yuen the Inappropriate | Striker | 1 |
| Rico's Roaches | 12 | Sugar Rush | Striker | 1 |
BLOODY FIST AWARD
| Bloody Fist | | | | | | |
|---|
| Team | # | Name | Position | 3 turn injuries | Kills | Violence Index |
| Lady Destroying Behemoths | 2 | Joe "Sous Chef" Sutton | Keeper | 1 | 2 | 5 |
| Brutal Deluxe | 1 | Dutch Van Haegan | Guard | 0 | 2 | 4 |
| Psychotic Stunties | 1 | Borden Forgefist | Guard | 1 | 1 | 3 |
| Super Nashwan | 3 | Hitoshi Watabe | Jack | 0 | 1 | 2 |
| Psychotic Stunties | 2 | Gunnar Earbiter | Guard | 0 | 1 | 2 |
| De Profundis | 3 | Byron | Jack | 0 | 1 | 2 |
| Crimson Corpse Creators | 2 | Mongo Manmasher | Guard | 0 | 1 | 2 |
| Helheim Serpents | 8 | Olaf Trygvasson | Keeper | 2 | 0 | 2 |
| The Vaticlan | 8 | Sarkos the Scabarous | Guard | 1 | 0 | 1 |
| Helmheim Serpents | 1 | Gunnar Bjarnisson (DEAD) | Guard | 1 | 0 | 1 |
| Brutal Deluxe | 7 | Oscar "Hotpants" Petersen | Jack | 1 | 0 | 1 |
| De Profundis | 1 | Wordsworth | Guard | 1 | 0 | 1 |
That's all for this post sexy people; see you on the neodurium!
ParthianShot out!
